27 December 2010

Well I guess I should get some things out of the way....

So I thought that one post would be enough for one night but it just has my mind going crazy..... Where to go next I guess..... Elizabeth....

I dont remember this picture but then again I can hardly remember anything about who we were before...
This was the last letter that wrote to her, it was our anniversery and I decided to write the story of us... or at least how I saw it...

So, I've met a girl. Our meeting was kind of unexpected and sudden. Everyone knows that I hate surprises but something tells me this is actually a good one and I kinda liked it.
The first time I saw her, it was a picture of her and my heart actually stopped for a second. My brain went blank for a moment and the only thing that came to mind was 'Wow... Just wow'. A smile found a way on to my lips, nothing big but enough for me to notice. So instead of secretly admiring her from afar I messaged her. I did not know what was going to happen but I did it anyway.
There was just something about her, maybe it was the look held in her eyes or the way that her lips curved in just the slightest smile, like she was holding a secret that only a few knew. I don't quite remember but I am glad that I caught it.
She responded, a cautious and neutral hello but she responded nonetheless. I actually smiled this time and looked around to make sure that none of my friends noticed before responding to her.
We talked of movies, music, books and other basic likes and dislikes, my heart opening a little more with each word like a lotus flower on a warm day.
Quickly our messages moved on to IMs and then she sent me her number. We sent a few texts before I told her to call me. I was feeling bold. I was not sure that she would actually do it or if I would actually answer the phone when she did call but I was glad that I did.
When I heard her voice, I lost my own for a moment. Her voice was unique, it was a deeper voice like my own that held a coolness of meaning what she said mixed with the warmness of seduction. She knew how to use it too, she could convey emotion and feelings in her voice just like I could. I was impressed. I quickly became addicted to the sound of it. We talked for hours, opening up with such ease that you would think that we had known each other forever.
I was kind of shocked. I had not warmed up to someone like this in a while. After about a week and a half, I could tell that I was getting restless with our conversations. I loved talking to her but there was something missing. I could tell what she was feeling with the sound of her voice but that was not the whole story. I wanted to see her, meet her. I wanted to match her facial expressions, her gestures, the way her eyes changed and the way she smelled with what she was saying.
I kept this to myself for a little bit but out of the blue, she asked if she could come and meet me. My heart moved into my throat. She told me that she loved talking with me but she too felt like something was missing. It was like she was reading my mind. She wanted to meet me that day. I froze, the word yes was sitting on my tongue, almost choking me and my heart was beating hard and fast. That was something that was new. My heart was alive again.
I knew that I always had a heart but I kept it so tucked away and hidden from my world that it seemed like a distant memory. I was not cold, I just did not involve it in my everyday dealings with the people that were in my life. She had found where I had hidden my heart, dusted it off and held it close to hers until it remembered how to beat again. It kind of scared me. This was the first activity that I have felt in a long time. Despite this I wanted to meet her.
I told her that I could not meet her that night, it was too short of notice. But we made plans for her to meet me at my work on the 18th. She agreed and my heart threatened for the first time to explode with happiness.
We kept talking with the same voracity as before if not more, My heart becoming stronger and stronger with each word typed, texted and spoken. We were close to the date when I noticed that she had a web cam. I sent her a message to see if she wanted to see me before the 18th. She was confused at first but then I told her that I had a web-cam. She agreed wholeheartedly.
I set mine up and waited, holding my breath. I knew that I had used old pictures of my self, cursing my stupid camera shyness. I had no idea what I was going to see on the other side but I took a deep breath and turned my camera on. She was shocked and so was I. All I could do was stare and smile, fortunately she could only do the same. My heart was blossoming like a magnolia tree in the spring.
She was beautiful. Her eyes told me that she liked what she saw even more than she thought she was. Then like a flood, we started talking. Our conversations even more fulfilling than before now that we could see each others expressions, and gestures. The floods would be parted with quite moments of us just taking each other in. We talked well into the night, eventually we fell asleep on web cam. The next morning, She was still there and I was too. We smiled and wished each other a good morning. It was then I knew that I had a problem. I was falling for her and I was going down hard.
This kind of scared me. My heart was in her hands and the crazy thing was that I held hers in mine. I knew the feeling of giving my heart to someone else, my hands always empty, ready to catch it when they decided that they did not want it anymore. With her, she gave me hers in return. It was kind of damaged like mine but it was in no way broken. Warm and familiar I carried it with pride. I knew her voice, I knew her body language. Now the final and most important part was her smell.
With the days fast approaching, I told her about the way that I made connections with people that I care about. I asked her to not really wear cologne or perfume so that I could smell her. She agreed and I vowed to do the same.
The morning of our meeting, I was a nervous wreck. I woke up 2 hours early and was restless. Little sleep and me being restless was not a good combination. I left for work early, thinking maybe the walk would calm down but it didn't. I knew that I was fucked, I had not even met the girl yet and she made me a wreck. I decided that I needed to focus on work to get me through the day, trust me did I ever. I got all of the cleaning that had been skipped done before we even opened, along with the daily duties. Just before I was to open she sent me a text letting me know how nervous and excited she was to come and meet me. This made me smile and even more nervous. I just hoped that I would not let her expectations down.
Everything was going well that day, I had easy customers and they were few and far between. She was a little lost getting in to Columbus but she was on the right track. My district manger decided to check up on me that morning also. That sent me in to panic mode. I was so afraid that she would come in and he would freak out. Thankfully he just poked around for about thirty minutes and then left. I breathed a sigh of relief as he walked out the door and then I stopped. My back was towards the customer counter. I had not heard anyone come in but I took another breath, the scent was warm, smooth and kind of sweet. It was very similar to my own. Then My brain clicked, 'She's here'. I turned around and she was standing there looking at me with a smile that most people would have seen as cool but I knew that she was freaking out as much as I was.
My smile threatened to break my face in half as I said hi. That was all that I could say. I could not remember how to speak. She was real. She was here. I was scared, I was excited. I wanted to scream, cry and laugh all at the same time. I forgot where I was, all I could see was her. She held her hand out to me saying that She was real and that It was okay. I grabbed it and laced my fingers in with hers. She replied to me holding her hand with 'wow... your hands are... ' She smiles softly with a light blush ' Your hands are really soft' I knew that I was not the only one that could hardly believe what they were seeing.
I had a few customers come in and I served them as fast as I possibly could so that I could get from behind the counter. At first I did not know what to do and then I just hugged her. We fit together perfectly. This also gave me a chance to really smell her. I breathed in deeply and my knees went weak. I LOVED the way that she smelled. I had never smelt something so amazingly attractive and wonderful. By the way that she was holding me, I could tell that she felt the same way.
We sat down holding hands and just took each other in. I touched her face and traced over her hands, she showed me the cologne that she usually wore and I was amazed. It worked very well with her chemistry. I knew that just spending a few hours with this girl, being interrupted by customers would not be enough for me. So when she asked if I wanted to go to Lima with some of her and some of her friends I said yes without hesitation.
After that its all history.
Although we live far apart and I miss her like crazy, I know that I'm not really alone. I Love this girl with all of my being. We gave each other a promise for a better tomorrow and I plan to hold up my end of the bargain with everything that I have and then some. She has shown me that it is alright to be in love again. I maybe afraid but I will not turn my back on anything with her.
I love you. Forever and Always.
Somewhere along the way I missed the part of where she never really loved me... 

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