19 January 2011

Bloggy time with scary dreams

OK so there hasn't been too much change here. My hair is still short. I think I look like a little boy with it short. Ive had like 3 interviews but no call backs. I'm keeping ridiculously weird sleeping hours... more night.... well I cant really... I guess I'm just having weird ass dreams again.

So I'm on a dock that's in the middle of a lake. Just a square of wood that's floating. Everyone around me is jumping off splashing around, just having a good time. I'm just sitting on the edge, my legs dangling in the water, letting the sun warm my shoulders. Some one calls my name from the water wanting me to come in the water. I cant see who it is but I know the voice so I stand up to look to see. I see people waving a little distance away and I take off my tank top. The platform rocks as someone climbs on. I turn to see my friend, John. I smile and start to ask him how cold the water is when he shoves me. I stumble a few steps back. Shocked I yell at him. He laughs and shoves me again, Harder.  I stumble again and he gives me one more shove that sends me in the water.

I struggle not to inhale because the water is so cold. I watch him jump in the water and drag me down to the bottom. I can feel the roughness of the rocks on my back. I can feel the warmth of his grasp on my arms as I hit the bottom. Then its gone. I stay there on the bottom for a second, just looking up at the sky through the watery surface of the lake. It's quiet, so quiet down here. I look around, the water is clear for a few feet but there's not much to see. I sit up and ready to push myself off from the bottom.

My lungs are starting to burn. I push from the bottom, the rocks scraping the bottom of my feet. I claw at the water, pulling myself to the surface. I feel a hand on my ankle and I'm pulled back down.

Someone's arms wraps around mine pulling me close in a bear hug. I can feel the coldness of their skin against mine. I struggle, My lungs on fire, I've got to get to the surface. I'm panicking trying to see who has got me and why they wont let me go. Out of the gloom, Jude and Levi appear. I stop moving, I'm so confused. They were supposed to be dead. I saw them be buried.Yet here they were, walking towards me, smiling. Jude puts his finger to his lips. I can hear the sound of his voice in my ears, "Shhhhhh, Just relax"

Levi reaches out and touches my cheek. His fingers are like ice. Bubbles escape from my mouth with my muted scream. " Just breathe deep" he says and I do involuntarily.I cough, fighting the impulse to try and breathe again. I know if I do I'm going to die.

More people appear out of the gloom behind them. Friends, family people both alive and dead. Their skin so pale, eyes so dead like the boys. I breathe in more water. I cough and sputter again. The voice of the person holding me whispers. "Just let go, Just let it all go." Her voice so calm, so warm. I look around and then take another breath and let go. Everything goes black.

That's what I dream of every night. Every night I wake up in a cold sweat, crying, out of breath. Its only when I sleep alone. Like some how, just having someone else there wards off these bad omens.

Water is everything to the life of my being. I guess that it would only make sense that it would the ending point for it too.

13 January 2011

One Day at a time

So Im taking it one day at a time now.  Im more tired than I have been in a long time. Sleep is not coming easily again but I have nothing left but to move on.

I cut off a large portion of my hair. My very, very long hair. I cut off 6 1/2 inches. It now swings above my shoulders. I think it looks weird but I think its just because I have not had short hair in a very long time. I think that I am really going to like it like this ;)

Im making it a rather big effort to get my life back on to a schedual. I need something that will keep me in line and keep me going. Hopefully this will work.

11 January 2011


We hold everything and lose everything in a moment. From your first kiss to your first love to your last breath. Life is nothing but moments, little memories that are strung together in some semblance of us. In this moment I see you, Only you. This moment is mine as much as it is yours. Hold it. Cherish it. For it is all we have. For we will never have this moment again.

03 January 2011

Some days

Some days I just want to scream at you. I just want to scream and scream and scream until I lose my voice and my throat starts to bleed. I just want to erase you completely out of my life and then pretend that you never happened. But then I remember.

I remember the little secrets that we used to have with each other. The way that you would wait for me just around the corner and kiss me as a ran in to you. Or the way that you looked at me when you would tell me that you loved me. Then I remember that its gone. Then I get angry..

There will never be another good morning from you. There will never little notes that are tucked in between the pages of my books for me to find when I read them late at night. There will never be that look for me. It will always be for her. Always her. Never for me.

I hate her. I hate the way that she looks, the way that she makes you feel, the way that you talk about her. I hate it. I hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT. She has taken my place. I know she has.

I'm sad. I feel like you've died. Ive lost my best friend. Ive lost my love. I just want to die. My head hurts, My heart hurts. I cant breathe. I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink. I just lay here. Hoping that my heart will just give out one of these times that I close my eyes. I cry.

I never fucking cry. Yet, you've reduced me to tears. I don't talk. I don't sing. I just cry. and write. I'm miserable. I'm not OK with this. I never will be...

I move through my life with blinders on. I work. I sleep. I don't do much else. I smile when it calls for it. I wear such a pretty mask. No one knows the difference. Or at least they don't care enough to ask. My heart is breaking.

Then I hear her. The one who tempts me with poisoned apples. The one before me has left me so hungry, so lost that I'm starving for a bite and a kind word. She holds it close enough for me to smell it. The basket she holds is full but which one to choose... I can hear the promises of forever in her voice. I cant think straight. I want it so bad and its so close. I'm so confused. She tells me that she loves me but my head is spinning. I can feel the weight of the fruit in my hand as she hands me one. So dangerous but so sweet, so delicious So satisfying... Just... One... Bite...

I cant breathe. My chest is on fire. It consumes every part of my being. I never say a word. I don't want to hear it will be alright, or that it will pass. I'm frustrated and I'm angry. Tomorrow doesn't matter if I don't make it through today. Everything reminds me of you, I hear your voice everywhere. I'm losing my mind.

Bottle labeled ' drink me' taunt me as I lay in the dark. ' Just one sip' They whisper. ' One sip, just one taste' purring in my mind I cover my face, I cover my ears. They still seep in. So I give in. It burns as it slides down my tongue. I take another drink, it goes down easier. Another sip and I feel a little better. I finish the bottle and I fall to my knees. I cant stand. My head is spinning. I'm so warm. As the bottle slips from my fingers I notice the skull and crossbones marking the bottle as poison and I curse them. They lied to me. My eyes are getting heavy. My thoughts are clouded. I lay there, my body going numb. This is what i have fallen to.

I'm so ashamed. I cant even look in the mirror anymore. I'm so ugly. I hate the way that I look. I hate myself. I'm holding it all in. Not a word. Not a sound. I sit by myself. I just sit.

I see couples everywhere. They have what I want. I what I crave. what I need. I try to ignore them. I take a deep breath. I close my eyes. I start to rock. I can do this. But they assault my senses. I can hear the love in their voice, see their gestures, smell and taste the chemstry between them. Its too much. My circuts over load. My voice echos like a mother who has lost her child. The tears fall in a torental down pour. Everyone everything stands still. No one moves. No one knows what to do. I cry harder. I hate this. Im discentrgrating right infront of them. Why wont anyone help me?

Im dying from the inside out. Please take mercy and end it now.