31 December 2010

New Years eve

Its new years eve and I have no one to celebrate with. Abby decided that she wasn't going to see me anymore. Bailey decided it was better for me not to be in her life anymore and because of that I'm not allowed to talk to anyone that is in her family. Which means I have no family. My bio family has banned me from the house so I'm sitting at mine alone. You know you've hit the bottom when your ex that you hate calls you and asks if you re gonna kill yourself and you're actually happy that they call.

This is where I've fallen.... I don't want to get back up...

Happy fucking new year... I'm not dead yet....


You wanna know something that stings? When you kiss the person that you are completely in love with and you know when you look in their eyes afterwards and they felt nothing.

Anyways, Last night I hung out with my friend Abby ( Yes I know our names are similar, Abigail and Abby :p) It wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be but it was still awkward as all get out.  I don't know when it was that we completely lost touch with each other but we did and we both know it we just refuse to say it out loud. Anyways, we always have a hard time finding stuff to do since she doesn't like to make decisions and most of the stuff that I like to do she doesn't. :/

I randomly got a text when we were trying to decide what to do from one of my friends who wanted me to come out and say hey as she celebrated her birthday at Skully's ( a local music bar that has great drinks) I mentioned it to and she agreed that it might be fun. So we went to say hi. It was pretty fun for me, I got to see a pretty good concert ( House of Heroes) despite, Mr. Drunkie drunk and his girlfriend showering everyone with their nasty alcohol. I mean honestly, if you're gonna be a public drunk at least drink good stuff. Abby on the other hand looked like she was bored out of her mind. I kept asking her if she was alright or if she wanted to leave but she said she was ok. I felt kinda bad because it looked like she was having a bad time.

After the concert we said our good byes to Beth and her friends and we tried to find some of our friends to go out to a bar with ourselves and have a drink. I never realized it but all of my friends that I can legally go out to the bar and have a drink with I can count on one hand.AND they were all out of town for the holiday. The same for Abby. So we, more like I, decide to go and have a drink by ourselves, you know, good music decent atmosphere, catch up a bit. So we walk over to Surly Girl Saloon, one of my favorites. So we go in and sit, I say hi to Billy, one of the bar tenders and we order our drinks an have a seat. we sit there for 10 minutes, her texting on her phone and  me asking her questions which she either ignores or nods as a reply. So I just stop talking and start looking around the bar sipping on my drink. After about another five minutes she looks up and says that I'm so quiet. I told her that it was because obviously  she was too busy to talk to me... I know it was kinda mean but I was mad, She was here with me and the other people wern't.

So we talk for a few more minutes and then were back to a stale mate. By this time I'm tired, I had a long day and I was tired of carrying the conversation, so I down the rest of my drink and I pay my tab and I tell her that Ill see her tomorrow, I wanted to get home before it started raining. She nodded in agreement and we went home.

On the way home she asks if  I'm mad. For a second I almost say no but I actually am. I tell her that I don't like going out with her because she clams up and goes into her own little world and I'm stuck trying to pull he out of it if I want to have any sort of contact with her. She says oh and keeps driving.

Im honestly tired of it. Its up to her if she wants this relationship to work. Im at the half way point.... I doubt she'll show up.

30 December 2010

She ate my heart....

So. I'm just feeling weird. I feel hot, unstable, crazy. Like I could just catch fire at the slightest touch. But I also feel like I'm drowning. Like when you hold your breath under water for as long as you can until your lungs feel like they are incinerating in your chest and then you burst to the surface, but I cant reach the surface.

I want it.

I need it.

I crave it.

Its like a horrible addiction that I need to survive...

Give it to me

Touch me.

Hold me.

Feel me.

My pulse racing more with every touch, every whisper, every breath.

I'm yours.

Bend me.

Break me.

Just feed my addiction.

I'm in love.


MY HEART! My heart, where is my heart?
My darling my dear you have my heart
you said that you'd keep it and clean every mark
but darling my dear you've damaged  my heart
you scratch it with lies and it burns from my tears
my darling you've become my worst fear!
My love my hate you

29 December 2010

Tick Tock

I wait.
I hope
I think
I wait.
Maybe you ll be on
maybe you wont.
I wait.
Phone rings.
Its my mother
nothing new we need milk
I wait.
Will you come back?
I sit 
and I wait
Just five minuets
I wanna hear your voice
Just for a few seconds
I wait
The clock ticks
I wait
Time passes
I wait
I'm anxious
I'm impatient
but I wait.
How long can I wait?
I check the time
and I wait.
Days pass
I wait.
seasons change
I wait.
My hands grow stiff
I wait
My hair turns gray
And I wait.
My heart stops
I wait.
My bones crumble
I'm still waiting.
I meant it when I said forever.
Time is nothing
I wait.

28 December 2010

The Plus side to cleaning

Found the New camera my mom wanted to give me for Christmas! Maybe now I can get my computer to cooperate and get some new pictures done :)

I have also rediscovered my love for some of the bands that I forgot I had on my Tera Drive. The Killers, AFI, StoneSour, Buckcherry, Disturbed,  t.A.T.u., Kings of Leon, Grace Potter and The Nocturnals, Dirty Mouthed Bandits, the Yeah yeah yeahs. All good stuff :)

You dont need 7 of the same Barbie...

Today is the day that my mother decided to start cleaning out the house. A relitivly simple job you would assume, but that would be dearly incorrect. Now my mother is not a hoarder with room after room crammed full of junk from ceiling to floor. With 7 kids its kind of hard not to collect a ton of stuff. The rooms that we use day to day are pretty clean aside from the occasional lost shoe in the kitchen or the random pair of pants that is hanging off of the shower head. Todays conquest was to be My room. The attic.

Not only is it the place of my dwelling but it is also home ( or at least one side of the room) for every single frickin toy that we have ever owned. Baskets of Hot Wheels, Buckets of barbies. Countless baby dolls that have been cared for, written on, made up or held for ransom, All stored up there. Today is the day that it was all getting pulled out and organized. Or at least that is what my mother said. I was not interested in anything but another hour or two of sleep.  That hour or two never happened.

Up down up down up down. My little brother and sister thundered their way up and down the stairs along with my mother carrying box after box in to the living room. Lights going on, doors slamming. There was nothing I could do but get up.

So much for sleeping....

27 December 2010

Just checking...

So... Maybe... My sleeplessness.... Is being caused by the new drugs that I am taking for this GOD AWFUL EAR INFECTION.... Just maybe?
Sickness : 1
Abigail: 0

Well I guess I should get some things out of the way....

So I thought that one post would be enough for one night but it just has my mind going crazy..... Where to go next I guess..... Elizabeth....

I dont remember this picture but then again I can hardly remember anything about who we were before...
This was the last letter that wrote to her, it was our anniversery and I decided to write the story of us... or at least how I saw it...

So, I've met a girl. Our meeting was kind of unexpected and sudden. Everyone knows that I hate surprises but something tells me this is actually a good one and I kinda liked it.
The first time I saw her, it was a picture of her and my heart actually stopped for a second. My brain went blank for a moment and the only thing that came to mind was 'Wow... Just wow'. A smile found a way on to my lips, nothing big but enough for me to notice. So instead of secretly admiring her from afar I messaged her. I did not know what was going to happen but I did it anyway.
There was just something about her, maybe it was the look held in her eyes or the way that her lips curved in just the slightest smile, like she was holding a secret that only a few knew. I don't quite remember but I am glad that I caught it.
She responded, a cautious and neutral hello but she responded nonetheless. I actually smiled this time and looked around to make sure that none of my friends noticed before responding to her.
We talked of movies, music, books and other basic likes and dislikes, my heart opening a little more with each word like a lotus flower on a warm day.
Quickly our messages moved on to IMs and then she sent me her number. We sent a few texts before I told her to call me. I was feeling bold. I was not sure that she would actually do it or if I would actually answer the phone when she did call but I was glad that I did.
When I heard her voice, I lost my own for a moment. Her voice was unique, it was a deeper voice like my own that held a coolness of meaning what she said mixed with the warmness of seduction. She knew how to use it too, she could convey emotion and feelings in her voice just like I could. I was impressed. I quickly became addicted to the sound of it. We talked for hours, opening up with such ease that you would think that we had known each other forever.
I was kind of shocked. I had not warmed up to someone like this in a while. After about a week and a half, I could tell that I was getting restless with our conversations. I loved talking to her but there was something missing. I could tell what she was feeling with the sound of her voice but that was not the whole story. I wanted to see her, meet her. I wanted to match her facial expressions, her gestures, the way her eyes changed and the way she smelled with what she was saying.
I kept this to myself for a little bit but out of the blue, she asked if she could come and meet me. My heart moved into my throat. She told me that she loved talking with me but she too felt like something was missing. It was like she was reading my mind. She wanted to meet me that day. I froze, the word yes was sitting on my tongue, almost choking me and my heart was beating hard and fast. That was something that was new. My heart was alive again.
I knew that I always had a heart but I kept it so tucked away and hidden from my world that it seemed like a distant memory. I was not cold, I just did not involve it in my everyday dealings with the people that were in my life. She had found where I had hidden my heart, dusted it off and held it close to hers until it remembered how to beat again. It kind of scared me. This was the first activity that I have felt in a long time. Despite this I wanted to meet her.
I told her that I could not meet her that night, it was too short of notice. But we made plans for her to meet me at my work on the 18th. She agreed and my heart threatened for the first time to explode with happiness.
We kept talking with the same voracity as before if not more, My heart becoming stronger and stronger with each word typed, texted and spoken. We were close to the date when I noticed that she had a web cam. I sent her a message to see if she wanted to see me before the 18th. She was confused at first but then I told her that I had a web-cam. She agreed wholeheartedly.
I set mine up and waited, holding my breath. I knew that I had used old pictures of my self, cursing my stupid camera shyness. I had no idea what I was going to see on the other side but I took a deep breath and turned my camera on. She was shocked and so was I. All I could do was stare and smile, fortunately she could only do the same. My heart was blossoming like a magnolia tree in the spring.
She was beautiful. Her eyes told me that she liked what she saw even more than she thought she was. Then like a flood, we started talking. Our conversations even more fulfilling than before now that we could see each others expressions, and gestures. The floods would be parted with quite moments of us just taking each other in. We talked well into the night, eventually we fell asleep on web cam. The next morning, She was still there and I was too. We smiled and wished each other a good morning. It was then I knew that I had a problem. I was falling for her and I was going down hard.
This kind of scared me. My heart was in her hands and the crazy thing was that I held hers in mine. I knew the feeling of giving my heart to someone else, my hands always empty, ready to catch it when they decided that they did not want it anymore. With her, she gave me hers in return. It was kind of damaged like mine but it was in no way broken. Warm and familiar I carried it with pride. I knew her voice, I knew her body language. Now the final and most important part was her smell.
With the days fast approaching, I told her about the way that I made connections with people that I care about. I asked her to not really wear cologne or perfume so that I could smell her. She agreed and I vowed to do the same.
The morning of our meeting, I was a nervous wreck. I woke up 2 hours early and was restless. Little sleep and me being restless was not a good combination. I left for work early, thinking maybe the walk would calm down but it didn't. I knew that I was fucked, I had not even met the girl yet and she made me a wreck. I decided that I needed to focus on work to get me through the day, trust me did I ever. I got all of the cleaning that had been skipped done before we even opened, along with the daily duties. Just before I was to open she sent me a text letting me know how nervous and excited she was to come and meet me. This made me smile and even more nervous. I just hoped that I would not let her expectations down.
Everything was going well that day, I had easy customers and they were few and far between. She was a little lost getting in to Columbus but she was on the right track. My district manger decided to check up on me that morning also. That sent me in to panic mode. I was so afraid that she would come in and he would freak out. Thankfully he just poked around for about thirty minutes and then left. I breathed a sigh of relief as he walked out the door and then I stopped. My back was towards the customer counter. I had not heard anyone come in but I took another breath, the scent was warm, smooth and kind of sweet. It was very similar to my own. Then My brain clicked, 'She's here'. I turned around and she was standing there looking at me with a smile that most people would have seen as cool but I knew that she was freaking out as much as I was.
My smile threatened to break my face in half as I said hi. That was all that I could say. I could not remember how to speak. She was real. She was here. I was scared, I was excited. I wanted to scream, cry and laugh all at the same time. I forgot where I was, all I could see was her. She held her hand out to me saying that She was real and that It was okay. I grabbed it and laced my fingers in with hers. She replied to me holding her hand with 'wow... your hands are... ' She smiles softly with a light blush ' Your hands are really soft' I knew that I was not the only one that could hardly believe what they were seeing.
I had a few customers come in and I served them as fast as I possibly could so that I could get from behind the counter. At first I did not know what to do and then I just hugged her. We fit together perfectly. This also gave me a chance to really smell her. I breathed in deeply and my knees went weak. I LOVED the way that she smelled. I had never smelt something so amazingly attractive and wonderful. By the way that she was holding me, I could tell that she felt the same way.
We sat down holding hands and just took each other in. I touched her face and traced over her hands, she showed me the cologne that she usually wore and I was amazed. It worked very well with her chemistry. I knew that just spending a few hours with this girl, being interrupted by customers would not be enough for me. So when she asked if I wanted to go to Lima with some of her and some of her friends I said yes without hesitation.
After that its all history.
Although we live far apart and I miss her like crazy, I know that I'm not really alone. I Love this girl with all of my being. We gave each other a promise for a better tomorrow and I plan to hold up my end of the bargain with everything that I have and then some. She has shown me that it is alright to be in love again. I maybe afraid but I will not turn my back on anything with her.
I love you. Forever and Always.
Somewhere along the way I missed the part of where she never really loved me... 

Ransom for a Heartsick Emperess...

Heartsick Empress... I haven't used that title in a while. My best friends Jude and Levi used to call me that. I guess it was their pet name for me. Lets start with the basics. 
I'm Abigail. I'm 21 as of the 2nd of November. I live in a small house with my other 7, yes 7 family members. I am the oldest of all of them and the youngest two are my awesome little heathens. I did the normal American lower middle class thing where I went to school did well, rebelled against my parents and their divorce,  went to high school, came out to my parents graduated high school went to college with honors.

Now I'm here. Sitting at my laptop, the keys clicking away like rapid machine gun fire my brain pouring out on to this screen. Well I guess that I should give you a reason as to why I'm here.... Right now... writing this....

I lost my best friends in the world this year. Now when people say best friends, they normally mean the people that they tell things that they don't tell others to and/ or the people that they spend the most amount of time with. They were so much more than that. They were my friends, my confidants, my brothers, My  heart. They knew the darkest parts of my heart even better than I did. I was there the night they got engaged and they were there the night and every night after Elizabeth shattered my heart. They were more than anyone could ever ask for. 

They were in a car accident on Easter morning. I will never forget it. I lost part of myself when I lost them. I lost a this year. I guess this is my way of reclaiming it...