19 March 2011

All this and yet...

They all hold a piece of my heart. Some a little more than others but yet they all have a part. They carry it close to their own, whether they know it or not. I can hear the beat of their hearts, feel the touch of their hands, feel the sound of their breath as it whispers secrets across my skin. It's like they never left. We move step by step in a dance that we will never forget. Every glance, every touch, every smile so familiar and yet exciting as it was the first time. I will never forget. As hard as I try.

Just like the waters that soothe me, I am bound by the pull of the moon. She calls to me in the dark, whispering, begging, pleading and screaming for me to give in. "Just one touch, Just one kiss. It's all you need. It's all you want. Come my child, you are weary let it soothe you."The voices fill my head. They all whisper so loudly. My heart pounds so loud in my ears. I feel like I'm going deaf all I can hear is my heart beat and yours. My skin crawls, begging for even the slightest touch to the point of where even water cannot even soothe it. I take a deep breath and my lungs burn. I'm smoldering but one touch from you and I'll ignite. I want it I need it. I'm begging please.

Will you light my fire?

19 January 2011

Bloggy time with scary dreams

OK so there hasn't been too much change here. My hair is still short. I think I look like a little boy with it short. Ive had like 3 interviews but no call backs. I'm keeping ridiculously weird sleeping hours... more night.... well I cant really... I guess I'm just having weird ass dreams again.

So I'm on a dock that's in the middle of a lake. Just a square of wood that's floating. Everyone around me is jumping off splashing around, just having a good time. I'm just sitting on the edge, my legs dangling in the water, letting the sun warm my shoulders. Some one calls my name from the water wanting me to come in the water. I cant see who it is but I know the voice so I stand up to look to see. I see people waving a little distance away and I take off my tank top. The platform rocks as someone climbs on. I turn to see my friend, John. I smile and start to ask him how cold the water is when he shoves me. I stumble a few steps back. Shocked I yell at him. He laughs and shoves me again, Harder.  I stumble again and he gives me one more shove that sends me in the water.

I struggle not to inhale because the water is so cold. I watch him jump in the water and drag me down to the bottom. I can feel the roughness of the rocks on my back. I can feel the warmth of his grasp on my arms as I hit the bottom. Then its gone. I stay there on the bottom for a second, just looking up at the sky through the watery surface of the lake. It's quiet, so quiet down here. I look around, the water is clear for a few feet but there's not much to see. I sit up and ready to push myself off from the bottom.

My lungs are starting to burn. I push from the bottom, the rocks scraping the bottom of my feet. I claw at the water, pulling myself to the surface. I feel a hand on my ankle and I'm pulled back down.

Someone's arms wraps around mine pulling me close in a bear hug. I can feel the coldness of their skin against mine. I struggle, My lungs on fire, I've got to get to the surface. I'm panicking trying to see who has got me and why they wont let me go. Out of the gloom, Jude and Levi appear. I stop moving, I'm so confused. They were supposed to be dead. I saw them be buried.Yet here they were, walking towards me, smiling. Jude puts his finger to his lips. I can hear the sound of his voice in my ears, "Shhhhhh, Just relax"

Levi reaches out and touches my cheek. His fingers are like ice. Bubbles escape from my mouth with my muted scream. " Just breathe deep" he says and I do involuntarily.I cough, fighting the impulse to try and breathe again. I know if I do I'm going to die.

More people appear out of the gloom behind them. Friends, family people both alive and dead. Their skin so pale, eyes so dead like the boys. I breathe in more water. I cough and sputter again. The voice of the person holding me whispers. "Just let go, Just let it all go." Her voice so calm, so warm. I look around and then take another breath and let go. Everything goes black.

That's what I dream of every night. Every night I wake up in a cold sweat, crying, out of breath. Its only when I sleep alone. Like some how, just having someone else there wards off these bad omens.

Water is everything to the life of my being. I guess that it would only make sense that it would the ending point for it too.

13 January 2011

One Day at a time

So Im taking it one day at a time now.  Im more tired than I have been in a long time. Sleep is not coming easily again but I have nothing left but to move on.

I cut off a large portion of my hair. My very, very long hair. I cut off 6 1/2 inches. It now swings above my shoulders. I think it looks weird but I think its just because I have not had short hair in a very long time. I think that I am really going to like it like this ;)

Im making it a rather big effort to get my life back on to a schedual. I need something that will keep me in line and keep me going. Hopefully this will work.

11 January 2011


We hold everything and lose everything in a moment. From your first kiss to your first love to your last breath. Life is nothing but moments, little memories that are strung together in some semblance of us. In this moment I see you, Only you. This moment is mine as much as it is yours. Hold it. Cherish it. For it is all we have. For we will never have this moment again.

03 January 2011

Some days

Some days I just want to scream at you. I just want to scream and scream and scream until I lose my voice and my throat starts to bleed. I just want to erase you completely out of my life and then pretend that you never happened. But then I remember.

I remember the little secrets that we used to have with each other. The way that you would wait for me just around the corner and kiss me as a ran in to you. Or the way that you looked at me when you would tell me that you loved me. Then I remember that its gone. Then I get angry..

There will never be another good morning from you. There will never little notes that are tucked in between the pages of my books for me to find when I read them late at night. There will never be that look for me. It will always be for her. Always her. Never for me.

I hate her. I hate the way that she looks, the way that she makes you feel, the way that you talk about her. I hate it. I hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT. She has taken my place. I know she has.

I'm sad. I feel like you've died. Ive lost my best friend. Ive lost my love. I just want to die. My head hurts, My heart hurts. I cant breathe. I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink. I just lay here. Hoping that my heart will just give out one of these times that I close my eyes. I cry.

I never fucking cry. Yet, you've reduced me to tears. I don't talk. I don't sing. I just cry. and write. I'm miserable. I'm not OK with this. I never will be...

I move through my life with blinders on. I work. I sleep. I don't do much else. I smile when it calls for it. I wear such a pretty mask. No one knows the difference. Or at least they don't care enough to ask. My heart is breaking.

Then I hear her. The one who tempts me with poisoned apples. The one before me has left me so hungry, so lost that I'm starving for a bite and a kind word. She holds it close enough for me to smell it. The basket she holds is full but which one to choose... I can hear the promises of forever in her voice. I cant think straight. I want it so bad and its so close. I'm so confused. She tells me that she loves me but my head is spinning. I can feel the weight of the fruit in my hand as she hands me one. So dangerous but so sweet, so delicious So satisfying... Just... One... Bite...

I cant breathe. My chest is on fire. It consumes every part of my being. I never say a word. I don't want to hear it will be alright, or that it will pass. I'm frustrated and I'm angry. Tomorrow doesn't matter if I don't make it through today. Everything reminds me of you, I hear your voice everywhere. I'm losing my mind.

Bottle labeled ' drink me' taunt me as I lay in the dark. ' Just one sip' They whisper. ' One sip, just one taste' purring in my mind I cover my face, I cover my ears. They still seep in. So I give in. It burns as it slides down my tongue. I take another drink, it goes down easier. Another sip and I feel a little better. I finish the bottle and I fall to my knees. I cant stand. My head is spinning. I'm so warm. As the bottle slips from my fingers I notice the skull and crossbones marking the bottle as poison and I curse them. They lied to me. My eyes are getting heavy. My thoughts are clouded. I lay there, my body going numb. This is what i have fallen to.

I'm so ashamed. I cant even look in the mirror anymore. I'm so ugly. I hate the way that I look. I hate myself. I'm holding it all in. Not a word. Not a sound. I sit by myself. I just sit.

I see couples everywhere. They have what I want. I what I crave. what I need. I try to ignore them. I take a deep breath. I close my eyes. I start to rock. I can do this. But they assault my senses. I can hear the love in their voice, see their gestures, smell and taste the chemstry between them. Its too much. My circuts over load. My voice echos like a mother who has lost her child. The tears fall in a torental down pour. Everyone everything stands still. No one moves. No one knows what to do. I cry harder. I hate this. Im discentrgrating right infront of them. Why wont anyone help me?

Im dying from the inside out. Please take mercy and end it now.

31 December 2010

New Years eve

Its new years eve and I have no one to celebrate with. Abby decided that she wasn't going to see me anymore. Bailey decided it was better for me not to be in her life anymore and because of that I'm not allowed to talk to anyone that is in her family. Which means I have no family. My bio family has banned me from the house so I'm sitting at mine alone. You know you've hit the bottom when your ex that you hate calls you and asks if you re gonna kill yourself and you're actually happy that they call.

This is where I've fallen.... I don't want to get back up...

Happy fucking new year... I'm not dead yet....


You wanna know something that stings? When you kiss the person that you are completely in love with and you know when you look in their eyes afterwards and they felt nothing.

Anyways, Last night I hung out with my friend Abby ( Yes I know our names are similar, Abigail and Abby :p) It wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be but it was still awkward as all get out.  I don't know when it was that we completely lost touch with each other but we did and we both know it we just refuse to say it out loud. Anyways, we always have a hard time finding stuff to do since she doesn't like to make decisions and most of the stuff that I like to do she doesn't. :/

I randomly got a text when we were trying to decide what to do from one of my friends who wanted me to come out and say hey as she celebrated her birthday at Skully's ( a local music bar that has great drinks) I mentioned it to and she agreed that it might be fun. So we went to say hi. It was pretty fun for me, I got to see a pretty good concert ( House of Heroes) despite, Mr. Drunkie drunk and his girlfriend showering everyone with their nasty alcohol. I mean honestly, if you're gonna be a public drunk at least drink good stuff. Abby on the other hand looked like she was bored out of her mind. I kept asking her if she was alright or if she wanted to leave but she said she was ok. I felt kinda bad because it looked like she was having a bad time.

After the concert we said our good byes to Beth and her friends and we tried to find some of our friends to go out to a bar with ourselves and have a drink. I never realized it but all of my friends that I can legally go out to the bar and have a drink with I can count on one hand.AND they were all out of town for the holiday. The same for Abby. So we, more like I, decide to go and have a drink by ourselves, you know, good music decent atmosphere, catch up a bit. So we walk over to Surly Girl Saloon, one of my favorites. So we go in and sit, I say hi to Billy, one of the bar tenders and we order our drinks an have a seat. we sit there for 10 minutes, her texting on her phone and  me asking her questions which she either ignores or nods as a reply. So I just stop talking and start looking around the bar sipping on my drink. After about another five minutes she looks up and says that I'm so quiet. I told her that it was because obviously  she was too busy to talk to me... I know it was kinda mean but I was mad, She was here with me and the other people wern't.

So we talk for a few more minutes and then were back to a stale mate. By this time I'm tired, I had a long day and I was tired of carrying the conversation, so I down the rest of my drink and I pay my tab and I tell her that Ill see her tomorrow, I wanted to get home before it started raining. She nodded in agreement and we went home.

On the way home she asks if  I'm mad. For a second I almost say no but I actually am. I tell her that I don't like going out with her because she clams up and goes into her own little world and I'm stuck trying to pull he out of it if I want to have any sort of contact with her. She says oh and keeps driving.

Im honestly tired of it. Its up to her if she wants this relationship to work. Im at the half way point.... I doubt she'll show up.

30 December 2010

She ate my heart....

So. I'm just feeling weird. I feel hot, unstable, crazy. Like I could just catch fire at the slightest touch. But I also feel like I'm drowning. Like when you hold your breath under water for as long as you can until your lungs feel like they are incinerating in your chest and then you burst to the surface, but I cant reach the surface.

I want it.

I need it.

I crave it.

Its like a horrible addiction that I need to survive...

Give it to me

Touch me.

Hold me.

Feel me.

My pulse racing more with every touch, every whisper, every breath.

I'm yours.

Bend me.

Break me.

Just feed my addiction.

I'm in love.


MY HEART! My heart, where is my heart?
My darling my dear you have my heart
you said that you'd keep it and clean every mark
but darling my dear you've damaged  my heart
you scratch it with lies and it burns from my tears
my darling you've become my worst fear!
My love my hate you