OK so there hasn't been too much change here. My hair is still short. I think I look like a little boy with it short. Ive had like 3 interviews but no call backs. I'm keeping ridiculously weird sleeping hours... more night.... well I cant really... I guess I'm just having weird ass dreams again.
So I'm on a dock that's in the middle of a lake. Just a square of wood that's floating. Everyone around me is jumping off splashing around, just having a good time. I'm just sitting on the edge, my legs dangling in the water, letting the sun warm my shoulders. Some one calls my name from the water wanting me to come in the water. I cant see who it is but I know the voice so I stand up to look to see. I see people waving a little distance away and I take off my tank top. The platform rocks as someone climbs on. I turn to see my friend, John. I smile and start to ask him how cold the water is when he shoves me. I stumble a few steps back. Shocked I yell at him. He laughs and shoves me again, Harder. I stumble again and he gives me one more shove that sends me in the water.
I struggle not to inhale because the water is so cold. I watch him jump in the water and drag me down to the bottom. I can feel the roughness of the rocks on my back. I can feel the warmth of his grasp on my arms as I hit the bottom. Then its gone. I stay there on the bottom for a second, just looking up at the sky through the watery surface of the lake. It's quiet, so quiet down here. I look around, the water is clear for a few feet but there's not much to see. I sit up and ready to push myself off from the bottom.
My lungs are starting to burn. I push from the bottom, the rocks scraping the bottom of my feet. I claw at the water, pulling myself to the surface. I feel a hand on my ankle and I'm pulled back down.
Someone's arms wraps around mine pulling me close in a bear hug. I can feel the coldness of their skin against mine. I struggle, My lungs on fire, I've got to get to the surface. I'm panicking trying to see who has got me and why they wont let me go. Out of the gloom, Jude and Levi appear. I stop moving, I'm so confused. They were supposed to be dead. I saw them be buried.Yet here they were, walking towards me, smiling. Jude puts his finger to his lips. I can hear the sound of his voice in my ears, "Shhhhhh, Just relax"
Levi reaches out and touches my cheek. His fingers are like ice. Bubbles escape from my mouth with my muted scream. " Just breathe deep" he says and I do involuntarily.I cough, fighting the impulse to try and breathe again. I know if I do I'm going to die.
More people appear out of the gloom behind them. Friends, family people both alive and dead. Their skin so pale, eyes so dead like the boys. I breathe in more water. I cough and sputter again. The voice of the person holding me whispers. "Just let go, Just let it all go." Her voice so calm, so warm. I look around and then take another breath and let go. Everything goes black.
That's what I dream of every night. Every night I wake up in a cold sweat, crying, out of breath. Its only when I sleep alone. Like some how, just having someone else there wards off these bad omens.
Water is everything to the life of my being. I guess that it would only make sense that it would the ending point for it too.