03 January 2011

Some days

Some days I just want to scream at you. I just want to scream and scream and scream until I lose my voice and my throat starts to bleed. I just want to erase you completely out of my life and then pretend that you never happened. But then I remember.

I remember the little secrets that we used to have with each other. The way that you would wait for me just around the corner and kiss me as a ran in to you. Or the way that you looked at me when you would tell me that you loved me. Then I remember that its gone. Then I get angry..

There will never be another good morning from you. There will never little notes that are tucked in between the pages of my books for me to find when I read them late at night. There will never be that look for me. It will always be for her. Always her. Never for me.

I hate her. I hate the way that she looks, the way that she makes you feel, the way that you talk about her. I hate it. I hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT. She has taken my place. I know she has.

I'm sad. I feel like you've died. Ive lost my best friend. Ive lost my love. I just want to die. My head hurts, My heart hurts. I cant breathe. I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink. I just lay here. Hoping that my heart will just give out one of these times that I close my eyes. I cry.

I never fucking cry. Yet, you've reduced me to tears. I don't talk. I don't sing. I just cry. and write. I'm miserable. I'm not OK with this. I never will be...

I move through my life with blinders on. I work. I sleep. I don't do much else. I smile when it calls for it. I wear such a pretty mask. No one knows the difference. Or at least they don't care enough to ask. My heart is breaking.

Then I hear her. The one who tempts me with poisoned apples. The one before me has left me so hungry, so lost that I'm starving for a bite and a kind word. She holds it close enough for me to smell it. The basket she holds is full but which one to choose... I can hear the promises of forever in her voice. I cant think straight. I want it so bad and its so close. I'm so confused. She tells me that she loves me but my head is spinning. I can feel the weight of the fruit in my hand as she hands me one. So dangerous but so sweet, so delicious So satisfying... Just... One... Bite...

I cant breathe. My chest is on fire. It consumes every part of my being. I never say a word. I don't want to hear it will be alright, or that it will pass. I'm frustrated and I'm angry. Tomorrow doesn't matter if I don't make it through today. Everything reminds me of you, I hear your voice everywhere. I'm losing my mind.

Bottle labeled ' drink me' taunt me as I lay in the dark. ' Just one sip' They whisper. ' One sip, just one taste' purring in my mind I cover my face, I cover my ears. They still seep in. So I give in. It burns as it slides down my tongue. I take another drink, it goes down easier. Another sip and I feel a little better. I finish the bottle and I fall to my knees. I cant stand. My head is spinning. I'm so warm. As the bottle slips from my fingers I notice the skull and crossbones marking the bottle as poison and I curse them. They lied to me. My eyes are getting heavy. My thoughts are clouded. I lay there, my body going numb. This is what i have fallen to.

I'm so ashamed. I cant even look in the mirror anymore. I'm so ugly. I hate the way that I look. I hate myself. I'm holding it all in. Not a word. Not a sound. I sit by myself. I just sit.

I see couples everywhere. They have what I want. I what I crave. what I need. I try to ignore them. I take a deep breath. I close my eyes. I start to rock. I can do this. But they assault my senses. I can hear the love in their voice, see their gestures, smell and taste the chemstry between them. Its too much. My circuts over load. My voice echos like a mother who has lost her child. The tears fall in a torental down pour. Everyone everything stands still. No one moves. No one knows what to do. I cry harder. I hate this. Im discentrgrating right infront of them. Why wont anyone help me?

Im dying from the inside out. Please take mercy and end it now.

No comments:

Post a Comment